Exclusive Dating Lesson: Dating Fails

Welcome back to yet another dating lesson by dating experts Ishaan and Archit (self-proclaimed). To master the art of dating, it is essential to learn from the mistakes of lesser people. So here is a compilation of some of the worst dates in the country.

PS: These stories are absolutely true.

1. The Deal-Breaker
It was the first time Sameer Muthaiyya had got a girlfriend. Quite naturally, he was desperate and eager to spend time with her. So, the incident took place on a normal Saturday night. Sameer's girlfriend had specially instructed him not to visit her on weekends, but he decided to give her a surprise.
When Sameer, standing with chocolates and flowers in his hands, rang his girlfriend's bell; nobody answered. So, as every dumbass would do, he tried entering through her drawing room window. What Sameer didn't know was that his girlfriend's family were a part of the Indian Mafia, and he had just interrupted one of their biggest drug deals. As he was climbing inside, Sameer was shot in the head twice by each member of the family.

2. "Loose" Yourself
Bobby Tattwarlal wasn't like us. Since childhood, he had been suffering from loose motions and stomach problems everyday. So when his girlfriend invited him to Mainland China for lunch, he refused... until she forcefully dragged him along anyway.
At the restaurant, Bobby could feel the pressure building with every strand of noodle he slurped in. He was farting (silently) every 30 seconds. But it was only when he finished his 5th momo, that the major fatality occurred. A loud explosive sound similar to "Pooooooo!" escaped his ass, and Bobby realized he had shit his pants. The whole restaurant, startled by the noise, was staring at him. The severe stink spread around in no time and the place was filled with obnoxious gases. As you may have guessed, the restaurant was evacuated and Bobby was arrested.

3. No Pain, No Gain
Jadiaa Singh's new girlfriend was a little weird. She spoke very little and acted awkwardly around people. One day, she invited Jadiaa for the night of his life (again, if you know what I mean). At her house, as Jadiaa lay on the bed, he saw his girlfriend open a cupboard containing a whip, chains, and sharp objects that were beyond his imagination. Turning to him, she said "I'm into BDSM".
Nobody knows what exactly happened in the house, but Jadiaa ran out the door still naked and started sprinting around his society for the next half an hour in shock, screaming phrases like "Haath hata!" and "Jaane de na!" People who saw him include - his teachers, their kids, the local dhobiwala and his dog, homeless people and also Salman Khan who later drove over those homeless people.

Realities of The TeddyBear-Zone

Welcome once again to Punjab Da Munna, where we help you become an anti-dumbass. I, your mentor and guide - Archit Lal. am an exclusive member of the TeddyBear-Zone, and I bring to you 4 shocking realities.

As you may be wondering. What the fuck is a TeddyBear-Zone? I had the same reaction when I became a Teddy. I had been bro-zoned and friend-zoned before, but TeddyZone was something totally out my imagination.

So the TeddyBear-Zone is a zone specific to the male species, where a girl looks at you as a soft toy to play with when she needs. She may cuddle you and hug you, but all while she's waiting to date another guy (who is not a TeddyBear). The TeddyBear-Zone is comparatively the most fatal of all. You're just an inch away from being a boyfriend

1. Are YOU: So who can enter the TeddyBear-Zone? Basically, anybody with the the following features is eligible for becoming a Teddy.  

- If you're over 80 kgs.
- If you have a cute way of laughing.
- If your cheeks are chubby and permanently red
- If you have a soft voice.

- If you wear large glasses (optional).

2. But Teddies Are Cute, Right? Nice question. Let's first look at what an actual TeddyBear does. It lies around in a girl's room, motionless, just waiting to be squeezed and hugged. Have you even seen the expression on a Teddy - it is expressionless! Being put into the TeddyZone means that you only exist to fill a girl's emotional void. A classic example of a Teddy - Yamcha from Dragon Ball Z.

3. I Am Ross. Don't make sense? Watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S...

4. The Teddy She Needs. I may protest or rant all I want, but the truth is I am her teddy... the teddy she needs, not the man she needs. But still, she needs me, right? So, yes! I will let her pull my cheeks, and I will be there when she wants a cuddle. You don't just become a teddy, the teddy-life chooses you.

5. I was planning on a fifth point. But screw it, my girl says its cuddle'o'clock (sounds awkward right? :) 

Realities of Being a Food Addict

Welcome again to another post on our humble blog - Punjab Da Munna, where we shitpost and spam provide you with the most valuable information on life, love and how to not be a loser. While our three-part Dating Series was a huge hit among the loners and the sexually deprived, we here at Punjab Da Munna are always excited to explore new areas; and so we now bring to you The Realities of Being a Food Addict, which we're sure will be a huge hit among the obese and the hungry. Moving on...

I'm Ishaan and this is a post about my life as a food addict.

1. Every Shit I Take is an Emergency. Unlike most of you, who stop eating when you're stomach is full; I eat till my stomach almost erupts and I freakin' hate myself. Then somehow I manage to stumble my way to the toilet and shoot it all out in a half an hour shit-session. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it? It is.

2. Healthy Food? No, Thanks. Apples and oranges aren't considered 'food' by a food addict. And if you try to give a food addict a plate of salad, he'll give you a mean, ugly stare as if you shot his pet dog. So, we're basically allergic to healthy food.

3. No? Imma Take It Anyway! If you've ever decided to sit with a food addict in a canteen/restaurant, I'm sure you can testify that it was the worst decision you've ever made. The amount a food-addict eats is approximately equal to the monthly food supply of an African family. So when he finishes his own plate, he is surely going to grab random food-items present around him, not giving a damn who they belong to.

4. Food Is Our Ultimate Concern. Believe me or not, I had a girlfriend. But I stopped dating as soon as I became a food addict. Who needs a partner when you've got food? All they do is make you share your pizzas anyway! Food is the ultimate priority for a food addict. If you see a food addict with a job, he's probably doing it to fund his daily trips to McDonalds.

5. I was planning on a fifth point. But screw it, I gotta go finish my three-storey cheeseburger.

Dating Lesson 3: How to Propose a Girl

Welcome, once again, to another Dating Lesson by dating experts (self-proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. Now that we have covered the basics, let's start with another basic. Proposing is a crucial event, your life depends on it. If a proposal fails, you are single (like the writers of this article) and being single sucks. Being single is like the feeling you get after pooping - you feel relaxed but you are actually empty inside.

So let me mention beforehand who this article is for not. If you weigh more than 90kg then get out of here, just give up, you have no chance of getting a girlfriend. The rest of you all, please continue reading, this post may help you do something with you miserable lives (just like the writers of this blog are trying to). So, without further delay, let's begin. 

1. Be Yourself

A lot of people try "acting like a playa". You're unique, be yourself, but just remember to be confident. We had a friend who was an asshole. He planned to propose his girlfriend at dinner at Mainland China. We told him to be himself. So this is how things went - 

Boy: You know how hot you're making me feel right now?

Girl: Nope

Boy: Words can't explain it, let me show you.

*Throws steaming hot soup on her lap*

Three hours later he was stripped naked and beaten up with a baseball bat by her Haryanvi brother. 

2. Be Different

Making a card, or just saying "Will you be my girlfriend" is so common and stupid. There are so many more creative ways, like sending her flowers along with a perfumed letter in a pink envelope containing a poem you wrote for her or writing her a song on guitar, etc. A friend of ours, Human Tambe (pronouncd Hoo-Man) sent two of his poems to his crush, which were - 

a. If your daddy refuses to give your hand in marriage, I don't care,
    I just love your armpit hair. 

b. Jab Tum Angdahi Leti Ho, Mera Dum Ghut Jata Hai,

   Thoda Perfume Lagane Me Tumhara Kya Jaata Hai?  

25 hours later, we received a call from the doctor saying that Human was in a coma due to heavy punches to his head. 

3. Don't Fear Rejection

Being rejected is a part of life, it happens to everyone (especially to the writers of this blog). Learn from your failures and move on. A friend named Anoon Mashoop got rejected, the very next day he gave up city-life and renounced all worldly ties. He now resides in a jungle, far away from humans, busy discovering the meaning of life, 

4. Choose The Right Time and Place

Propose her at the right moment, a time when she is free and a place where she is comfortable. A guy named Chaman Bambu followed this step well. He decided to propose his crush at a time he thought she would be surprised and totally blown away. While she was in the toilet, Chaman tried opening the door. Finding it locked, he kicked the door down and revealed his feelings to her. I have been invited to his funeral, which will be held tomorrow. 

Disclaimer: This post has been brought to you by two people, highly experienced in the field of dating. After countless rejections and lonely nights, we have found out (almost) all the secrets that there are to dating and relationships. 

By Ishaan and Archit

Ph.D in Dating and Relationships 

Shopping at Spykar and Louis Vuitton (By Guest Blogger - Yash Karia)

Written by Yash Karia from frustrationsofyashkaria.blogspot.com

Since it was festive season, my friend and me went out for shopping to leech in the discounts, like every Indian does. 

Foreign brands know how Indians love cheap stuff and only buy things if they are on discount, so they have found another way to scratch our balls.


We first visited Spykar for the shopping and OMFG! It was 40% discount, totally what I call Raste ka Bhav Saste Main! The walls were covered with posters of jaundiced fellows, half naked in Spykar Jeans and girls (who looked as if they had been exported from Mongolia) wearing Skpykar apparel, making ridiculous poses. 

Friend : Wanna check out the sports wear?
We rushed to sport section and saw some cool tracks costing around Rs.1400 .So, my friend pulled out his plasma TV sized Android and started finding out 40% of 1400. 

Salesman: "Umm, Sir! There's not discount on these tracks" and then pointed to the section of discounted tracks.

Trust me guys, Shanivaris sells better tracks than these. 
Stupid orange colored tracks, they looked like someone had spilled cough syrup over them. And then there were the blue tracks which looked as if they had been rubbed with toothpaste. All of this ugly shit costed 400/-.


Next we entered the Louis Vuitton showroom where we saw Louis Vuitton Belts (normal Looking though). They costed around Rs.3000. If you buy this belt, make sure you only wear this and no clothes! Who would spend Rs.3000 just to hold their pants up? Give 10/- to tailor and he will arrange a nada! ( Better grip than this belts though) 

and the Girl said : Sir this is Pure Leopard Skin!  ( Maa ki aankh.. behenchod, nahi chahiye) 

That Girl took us to Wallet section! There she showed us 1500-5000/- Ranged wallets ( Ssly, We never put more than 100 rs in Wallets, I want to find Louis Vuitton and ask him/her.. can you buy your own Wallets?

Friend 1 : We only have 1000 bucks:)
Girl  : MC, time kyun waste kiya mera to! Huh! 
( She seemed to think we were Heirs of Queen Elizabeth) 

And then we ended up with nothing except Jockey Undies!

For more Yash Karia,
Visit frustrationsofyashkaria.blogspot.com

Dating Lesson 2: How To Find The Right Partner

Welcome to Dating Lesson 2 by Dating Experts (self-proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. Apart from ugly looks, one of the main reasons why 93.69% of India's population is single, is that they can't find the right partner for them. So after years of extensive research, analysis, case studies, surveys and "hard" work, we came to the conclusion that your momma is ugly and we also found ways for people to find the right girlfriend or wife for themselves.

Mr. Einstein once said "Shit drops down the ass, it never returns back up." If you dive deeper into the meaning of the quote you'll find that Mr. Einstein wanted to tell us "You need to find the right partner for you, they won't be provided by God". So stop relying on your right hand and follow these tips.


1. The Search

The answer is simple. Go where your heart takes you. We had once advised our friend Ruben Booben to search for a partner where his heart takes him to. He started wandering the city for hours and days. He used stay up all night roaming the city, searching for his soul-mate. He eventually got kidnapped. We are pretty sure that wherever he is, he has found his partner.


2. Continue The Search Online 

Keep on searching for your soul-mate on websites like Facebook and Twitter. We once gave this advice to a friend, Ajay Dickshit. He spent countless hours on Facebook, adding random people as his friends and sending messages to every user he could find. On March 25, his computer got hacked and three days later his house got bombed. Like always, our advice led to good results.


3. Behavioral Patterns

Now listen carefully kids, you must immediately propose a girl if she :

• has a high-paying job.
• is an alcoholic or a drug addict (preferably addicted to cocaine or weed).
• beats children.
• pisses in public. You can even have a public piss-off showdown with her.
• loves eating ChavanPrash
• cheats during fasts (preferably Karva Chauth). 

4. Grabbing Opportunities 

Whenever you see an opportunity, grab it! Try connecting with every girl you meet. One of our friends, Praveen Thambe from Pimpri, followed this advice of ours. He once walked up to a lady in a paan shop. He tried to flirt with her and also bought her a paan. In about ten minutes, her husband drove up to the shop in his Innova and shot him six times in the head. He was a local don.

Dating Lesson 1: How to Make a Girl Break Up With You

Welcome to Dating Lesson 1 with dating experts (self proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. I know it's weird to base the very first lesson on "Breaking Up" but believe me it's important because learning to undo mistakes is an essential basic.

Let me mention beforehand, if you are in a happy relationship and enjoying life... Get out of my blog! This post is for those weak guys (90%) who have strong and dominant girlfriends who will twist you up like a pretzel on hearing the word "break up". If you are such a person (we know you are, so don't be a sleazy bastard :D). please continue reading. This is a guide on how to get out of such relationships safely.

Most Holy Books say that one must take any measures to be happy in life, then why stay in a relationship just because you're being forced to, learn to break up. Now I would like to quote a popular chant from the Bible - Chomba 69:14 - "If someone is trapped in a dangerous relationship, O God please save him. Amen!".


Lesson 1 : Go Bananas

Behave like a crazy asshole! If you already are one, just be yourself. Let me tell you the story of my friend named Raj Muthmare who was fed up with his girlfriend and crossed all limits to break up. He and his girlfriend were in Cafe Coffee Day, when Raj suddenly stood up on the cash counter, took off his T shirt and started rubbing his nipples, up and down, slowly yet gracefully, with such immense vigor and passion, making loud sexual sounds. His girlfriend ran out of the shop like a wild boblo and never contacted him again. He was a free man.


Lesson 2: No Ball

Act like you're gay. There are hundreds of ways to do that. Spend crazy amount of time around boys, store gay porn in your phone and let her discover it, purchase a couple of pink T shirts, start listening to One Direction, just try to make her believe that you're turning gay, she'll leave you.


Lesson 3: I'm Outta Here!

This is a tip that I do not recommend, but if you're crazy enough to try it, I won't stop you. Do something unforgivable. Dating expert Archit once flushed his girlfriend's cell phone down the toilet. He immediately escaped the spot and kept out of her sight for the rest of the year. One of my friends also reached the extent of giving his girlfriend a boy-cut while she was asleep (I know, I have fucked-up friends).


Lesson 4: Going Gangsta!

This is a trick that Dating expert Ishaan has used himself. I started making my girlfriend think that I was associated with dangerous people. I started making fake phone calls about drug deals and shit. Then one day, I invited her to a party at my house. I had my friends dressed up as and behave like "taporis" at the party. At the party, I spoke to my friends as if they were some kind of illegal business partners (drug dealers). She got scared as shit and stayed away from me for the rest of her life.


Disclaimer: Please do not try any of these tricks if your girlfriend is related in any way to politicians, drug dealers, serial killers, mass murderers, suicide bombers or even criminal organizations like the Mafia, Taliban, ISIS or Yakuza.

By Ishaan and Archit
Ph.D in Dating and Relationships