Dating Lesson 3: How to Propose a Girl

Welcome, once again, to another Dating Lesson by dating experts (self-proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. Now that we have covered the basics, let's start with another basic. Proposing is a crucial event, your life depends on it. If a proposal fails, you are single (like the writers of this article) and being single sucks. Being single is like the feeling you get after pooping - you feel relaxed but you are actually empty inside.

So let me mention beforehand who this article is for not. If you weigh more than 90kg then get out of here, just give up, you have no chance of getting a girlfriend. The rest of you all, please continue reading, this post may help you do something with you miserable lives (just like the writers of this blog are trying to). So, without further delay, let's begin. 

1. Be Yourself

A lot of people try "acting like a playa". You're unique, be yourself, but just remember to be confident. We had a friend who was an asshole. He planned to propose his girlfriend at dinner at Mainland China. We told him to be himself. So this is how things went - 

Boy: You know how hot you're making me feel right now?

Girl: Nope

Boy: Words can't explain it, let me show you.

*Throws steaming hot soup on her lap*

Three hours later he was stripped naked and beaten up with a baseball bat by her Haryanvi brother. 

2. Be Different

Making a card, or just saying "Will you be my girlfriend" is so common and stupid. There are so many more creative ways, like sending her flowers along with a perfumed letter in a pink envelope containing a poem you wrote for her or writing her a song on guitar, etc. A friend of ours, Human Tambe (pronouncd Hoo-Man) sent two of his poems to his crush, which were - 

a. If your daddy refuses to give your hand in marriage, I don't care,
    I just love your armpit hair. 

b. Jab Tum Angdahi Leti Ho, Mera Dum Ghut Jata Hai,

   Thoda Perfume Lagane Me Tumhara Kya Jaata Hai?  

25 hours later, we received a call from the doctor saying that Human was in a coma due to heavy punches to his head. 

3. Don't Fear Rejection

Being rejected is a part of life, it happens to everyone (especially to the writers of this blog). Learn from your failures and move on. A friend named Anoon Mashoop got rejected, the very next day he gave up city-life and renounced all worldly ties. He now resides in a jungle, far away from humans, busy discovering the meaning of life, 

4. Choose The Right Time and Place

Propose her at the right moment, a time when she is free and a place where she is comfortable. A guy named Chaman Bambu followed this step well. He decided to propose his crush at a time he thought she would be surprised and totally blown away. While she was in the toilet, Chaman tried opening the door. Finding it locked, he kicked the door down and revealed his feelings to her. I have been invited to his funeral, which will be held tomorrow. 

Disclaimer: This post has been brought to you by two people, highly experienced in the field of dating. After countless rejections and lonely nights, we have found out (almost) all the secrets that there are to dating and relationships. 

By Ishaan and Archit

Ph.D in Dating and Relationships 

Shopping at Spykar and Louis Vuitton (By Guest Blogger - Yash Karia)

Written by Yash Karia from frustrationsofyashkaria.blogspot.com

Since it was festive season, my friend and me went out for shopping to leech in the discounts, like every Indian does. 

Foreign brands know how Indians love cheap stuff and only buy things if they are on discount, so they have found another way to scratch our balls.


We first visited Spykar for the shopping and OMFG! It was 40% discount, totally what I call Raste ka Bhav Saste Main! The walls were covered with posters of jaundiced fellows, half naked in Spykar Jeans and girls (who looked as if they had been exported from Mongolia) wearing Skpykar apparel, making ridiculous poses. 

Friend : Wanna check out the sports wear?
We rushed to sport section and saw some cool tracks costing around Rs.1400 .So, my friend pulled out his plasma TV sized Android and started finding out 40% of 1400. 

Salesman: "Umm, Sir! There's not discount on these tracks" and then pointed to the section of discounted tracks.

Trust me guys, Shanivaris sells better tracks than these. 
Stupid orange colored tracks, they looked like someone had spilled cough syrup over them. And then there were the blue tracks which looked as if they had been rubbed with toothpaste. All of this ugly shit costed 400/-.


Next we entered the Louis Vuitton showroom where we saw Louis Vuitton Belts (normal Looking though). They costed around Rs.3000. If you buy this belt, make sure you only wear this and no clothes! Who would spend Rs.3000 just to hold their pants up? Give 10/- to tailor and he will arrange a nada! ( Better grip than this belts though) 

and the Girl said : Sir this is Pure Leopard Skin!  ( Maa ki aankh.. behenchod, nahi chahiye) 

That Girl took us to Wallet section! There she showed us 1500-5000/- Ranged wallets ( Ssly, We never put more than 100 rs in Wallets, I want to find Louis Vuitton and ask him/her.. can you buy your own Wallets?

Friend 1 : We only have 1000 bucks:)
Girl  : MC, time kyun waste kiya mera to! Huh! 
( She seemed to think we were Heirs of Queen Elizabeth) 

And then we ended up with nothing except Jockey Undies!

For more Yash Karia,
Visit frustrationsofyashkaria.blogspot.com

Dating Lesson 2: How To Find The Right Partner

Welcome to Dating Lesson 2 by Dating Experts (self-proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. Apart from ugly looks, one of the main reasons why 93.69% of India's population is single, is that they can't find the right partner for them. So after years of extensive research, analysis, case studies, surveys and "hard" work, we came to the conclusion that your momma is ugly and we also found ways for people to find the right girlfriend or wife for themselves.

Mr. Einstein once said "Shit drops down the ass, it never returns back up." If you dive deeper into the meaning of the quote you'll find that Mr. Einstein wanted to tell us "You need to find the right partner for you, they won't be provided by God". So stop relying on your right hand and follow these tips.


1. The Search

The answer is simple. Go where your heart takes you. We had once advised our friend Ruben Booben to search for a partner where his heart takes him to. He started wandering the city for hours and days. He used stay up all night roaming the city, searching for his soul-mate. He eventually got kidnapped. We are pretty sure that wherever he is, he has found his partner.


2. Continue The Search Online 

Keep on searching for your soul-mate on websites like Facebook and Twitter. We once gave this advice to a friend, Ajay Dickshit. He spent countless hours on Facebook, adding random people as his friends and sending messages to every user he could find. On March 25, his computer got hacked and three days later his house got bombed. Like always, our advice led to good results.


3. Behavioral Patterns

Now listen carefully kids, you must immediately propose a girl if she :

• has a high-paying job.
• is an alcoholic or a drug addict (preferably addicted to cocaine or weed).
• beats children.
• pisses in public. You can even have a public piss-off showdown with her.
• loves eating ChavanPrash
• cheats during fasts (preferably Karva Chauth). 

4. Grabbing Opportunities 

Whenever you see an opportunity, grab it! Try connecting with every girl you meet. One of our friends, Praveen Thambe from Pimpri, followed this advice of ours. He once walked up to a lady in a paan shop. He tried to flirt with her and also bought her a paan. In about ten minutes, her husband drove up to the shop in his Innova and shot him six times in the head. He was a local don.

Dating Lesson 1: How to Make a Girl Break Up With You

Welcome to Dating Lesson 1 with dating experts (self proclaimed) Ishaan and Archit. I know it's weird to base the very first lesson on "Breaking Up" but believe me it's important because learning to undo mistakes is an essential basic.

Let me mention beforehand, if you are in a happy relationship and enjoying life... Get out of my blog! This post is for those weak guys (90%) who have strong and dominant girlfriends who will twist you up like a pretzel on hearing the word "break up". If you are such a person (we know you are, so don't be a sleazy bastard :D). please continue reading. This is a guide on how to get out of such relationships safely.

Most Holy Books say that one must take any measures to be happy in life, then why stay in a relationship just because you're being forced to, learn to break up. Now I would like to quote a popular chant from the Bible - Chomba 69:14 - "If someone is trapped in a dangerous relationship, O God please save him. Amen!".


Lesson 1 : Go Bananas

Behave like a crazy asshole! If you already are one, just be yourself. Let me tell you the story of my friend named Raj Muthmare who was fed up with his girlfriend and crossed all limits to break up. He and his girlfriend were in Cafe Coffee Day, when Raj suddenly stood up on the cash counter, took off his T shirt and started rubbing his nipples, up and down, slowly yet gracefully, with such immense vigor and passion, making loud sexual sounds. His girlfriend ran out of the shop like a wild boblo and never contacted him again. He was a free man.


Lesson 2: No Ball

Act like you're gay. There are hundreds of ways to do that. Spend crazy amount of time around boys, store gay porn in your phone and let her discover it, purchase a couple of pink T shirts, start listening to One Direction, just try to make her believe that you're turning gay, she'll leave you.


Lesson 3: I'm Outta Here!

This is a tip that I do not recommend, but if you're crazy enough to try it, I won't stop you. Do something unforgivable. Dating expert Archit once flushed his girlfriend's cell phone down the toilet. He immediately escaped the spot and kept out of her sight for the rest of the year. One of my friends also reached the extent of giving his girlfriend a boy-cut while she was asleep (I know, I have fucked-up friends).


Lesson 4: Going Gangsta!

This is a trick that Dating expert Ishaan has used himself. I started making my girlfriend think that I was associated with dangerous people. I started making fake phone calls about drug deals and shit. Then one day, I invited her to a party at my house. I had my friends dressed up as and behave like "taporis" at the party. At the party, I spoke to my friends as if they were some kind of illegal business partners (drug dealers). She got scared as shit and stayed away from me for the rest of her life.


Disclaimer: Please do not try any of these tricks if your girlfriend is related in any way to politicians, drug dealers, serial killers, mass murderers, suicide bombers or even criminal organizations like the Mafia, Taliban, ISIS or Yakuza.

By Ishaan and Archit
Ph.D in Dating and Relationships

The Pirate Bay Knocked Offline as Cops Raid Server Room

Famous torrent site, The Pirate Bay, has been taken offline today. According Fredrick Ingblad, a special file sharing case prosecutor, the site was knocked off the internet due to a raid on their main office in Sweden by the police. The Rights Alliance, a group promoted by music and film industries, claim credit for the shutdown and say that the raid took place due to a criminal complaint they lodged against the site. 

The future of The Pirate Bay doesn't look to bright with its founders convicted and under assault from governments and large corporations. Do you think The Pirate Bay's shutdown was required? Share your opinion in the comments.